Reverb 10 - One Word

Reverb 10 - One Word

December 1 One Word.

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

FINISH-LINE

I know it seems strange to say I’m at a finish-line, after all I’m only 42 and I am still raising three teenagers. Here’s the thing though: For 16 years I have identified myself by my role as parent. When they were small, I didn't have time for anything but them and I was pretty happy to have it that way. I thought I would feel like Mom forever, I thought they would need me forever. Turns out I was wrong.

I guess I should’ve looked at my teenaged relationship with my own parents. I didn't really need them at 16. By then teenagers are completely done needing Mom in that all-encompassing way. So why did it come as a shocker that my kids don't need me anymore?

In the early part of 2010, things were rolling along as usual. The 12 year old needed me. The 15 year old was in constant trouble and needed me. The other 15 year old hasn’t needed me since he was 10, but with the other two to fuss over, I didn’t mind. Then just as summer started, I noticed it. Silence. They were too busy for me. Even the twelve year old preferred to hang with her friends or even by herself. One of the boys left for 8 whole weeks this summer to work at a camp. No more boys with problems. No more boys with gross jokes. No more cute little girls who want to cuddle. No more chitter chatter. No more arms thrown around me by the ones I love the most. I saw the finishline in the distance.

In the fall, the 15 year olds turned 16. That was my checkered-flag. While they took off from their own starting line, I found myself crossing over my finish line. From now on parenting is just an advisory role, a watching from sidelines, a prayer for their safety, and a hope that I taught them everything they need to know. I didn’t know they’d be done so fast. I thought I had until they left for college. Wrong again.

Sure, I’ve still got my daughter. She still needs me, but she’s pulling away too. Her social life is hectic, her interests are diverse, and her self-confidence is admirable. She wants me one minute and the next she just wants to get away. I’m holding on as tight as I can to the moments like the one I had this afternoon when she wanted to bake cookies with me. I know having her attention in that way is fleeting.

Even taking a picture with my kids isn't easy anymore. The one here was parentally-required .. one of my sons smiled gamely, another scowled at the camera. Their combined attention span was shorter than a fuse on a firecracker. My husband had to take the picture fast while the cooperation lasted. Sadly, it was so fast, my daughter didn't even have her eyes open. No patience for retakes, so this is my only photo with my kids in the last year!

Now I stand on a new starting line, I just don't quite know where the road will take me. It’s amazing how easily I gave up everything about myself while my kids were small. It was a close thing, I almost lost sight of myself all together. Now I am ready to make it all about me. I’m not sure what that means yet, but I’m determined to find out.

My word for 2011 is ME.